Bored, bored, BORED!

(First, the disclaimer for all you working stiffs out there: boo hoo hoo, I have too much free time, you're crying me a river, I know. But bear with me!)

You know that saying, bored to tears? Yeah. Now that the holidays are behind us, excessive alcohol consumption is frowned upon and I have nothing left to distract me from the fact that I have absolutely nothing to do, all day, every day. Since my "social smoking" had been really creeping up, I decided to quit for New Years, and I really haven't been missing it, except for the fact that 6 cigarettes a day helped shave maybe 30 minutes off an otherwise empty 24 hours. How pitiful is that? I'm beginning to think I know how prisoners feel, and why they smoke. You have something to mark the day by, something to look forward to.

It really is a shame that we can't save up units of time from the more bland segments of our lives to cash in for later use. Some day, hopefully many years from now, I'll be lying on my death bed thinking, "Lordy, if only I could be using the wasted time from that boring ass winter of 2007 now." I will also smirk to myself about being old and wrinkly yet still saying things like "boring ass", hopefully to the utter horror of my relatives.

But why is it so boring? Well, ever since the little bombshell about my camp most likely not happening dropped, any motivation I'd manage to scrounge together went POOF! and now I'm running on nothing. I have no reason to get up each day*, so I have completely given in to my tendency to sleep in and stay up late, to the point that yesterday I went to bed at 5am and then got up at 3pm. This lets me get in about one hour of daylight, probably not the smartest thing in the middle of winter, but you know what? Poo, I don't really care. No work, no studying, a million books in my room but all way too cerebral to be any good when I'm in this lazy state of mind, no television to zone out in front of, and now that I've finished all my grad school applications and papers, no other stuff to keep me busy. Bored, bored, bored!

[*This should not be read as "i'm so depressed and miserable that there's no reason to get out of bed". I'm actually quite chipper and un-depressed, which actually makes the lack of anything to do all the crappier, because I could potentially really be enjoying myself.]

Last night I was looking around my room and thought, 'Wow, my room is so nasty and dirty, it sure would be fun right now to pack up my stuff, chuck the rest, and catch a ride to the airport.' I didn't, but only because I would feel guilty if I left the country without properly saying goodbye to local friends and host families, and because if I went home now I think I would feel like a huge loser. It's one thing to cut out of here early because you've, say, been accepted to a prestigious graduate school, and another thing entirely to go home 8 months early to live on your mom's couch because you couldn't hack it. (Not that I think it's a matter of my hacking or not hacking it, but I imagine that's what others would think.) I guess this is the most dangerous thing, losing motivation. I don't know how many times I need to introduce myself to people with the words "Hi, I want to work with you, and I work for free" before someone will take me up on it. You'd think that would be persuasive, but no. So I'm now one of those cranky volunteers who doesn't give two doodies about anything over here.

Best of all, I have a quarterly report coming up, due on the 15th, which will just force me to think about the current state of affairs all the more as I'm required to type "N/A" in numerous fields regarding the work I'm doing here.

Sigh. I miss home, but not for the reasons you might expect. Okay, sushi and donuts, for sure, but more than that I miss a fast-paced life. Give me the rat race. Let me feel tired at the end of the day! Let me be busy! Give me a JOB!!!

Well, to end on a positive note, I will probably hear back from the schools I've applied to by March. If things here don't turn around between now and then, well....let's just say you guys might get to throw me that welcome back party a little sooner than we originally planned. I will be expecting donuts.