How to Write a Grant

I knew virtually nothing about grants, international project funders and project writing before coming to MD, so it is fortunate that I was paired with someone who has pursued numerous grants during her five years with our organization. That said, let me present the following informative memo on grant writing, sharing everything I've learned on the topic from my CP during these past three months of our partnership.

(Clearing throat) A-hem: How to Write a Grant

January 1: Receive information on a new grant available to organizations working on human
rights projects. We don't do anything related to human rights** but that's okay, because we've secretly always wanted to do work in the area. Or at least haven't gotten paid in a while.

January 2-31: Check emails from guys met on dating website; look for photos on the web that would be good for our upcoming advertising campaign, funded by a grant won last year; when this proves frustrating, instead look for pictures of kittens that would be good for computer desktop; yell at people who come into office.

February 1: Assign the writing of human rights project to new starry-eyed volunteer. She doesn't know it yet, but she is the latest member of a fine tradition of volunteers who have worked for the organization for one to two months. Tell her if she writes the project, she can be listed as the project director and receive a salary once it is funded.

February 2-10: Each time your volunteer brings in a draft of the grant, tell her she did it wrong. When she says she doesn't know what to do, call her a silly child and tell her that she needs to figure that out herself. Explain that you are very busy. Resume checking emails.

After volunteer leaves, interrupt your PC volunteer's studying in order to tell her how incompetent the other volunteer is, and how she is lucky to work with you because every volunteer that leaves your organization goes on to achieve great things thanks to your mentoring.

February 11: Send volunteer to meet with the organization's president to discuss her latest draft of the grant. There, president undoes all of your corrections to the volunteer's draft,
telling her it was better as she originally wrote it. When volunteer returns with new
(old) version of the grant, tell her it is much improved, and that you are glad she is
learning something under your wise tutelage.

February 12-21: Oh dearie, that project deadline is really creeping up, and still no final draft of the project! Step up level of yelling at volunteer, because yelling equals results. It is
one of the organization's goals to develop its volunteers into stronger, more confident young women, and this is facilitated by yelling at them and referring to them as a "poor child".

When, following a particularly long and pounding-fist-punctuated tirade, your volunteer starts crying, turn to your PC volunteer to begin talking about her as if she weren't in the room. Wouldn't your PC volunteer agree that she really needs to toughen up? One can't go around crying about every little thing.

February 22: Slowly but surely this project is coming together. Have your volunteer come in so that you two can come up with justifications for the project funder to give you $5000 -- more than three times the average national income in your country -- to implement some community seminars over a period of 6 months. Whenever the volunteer says she doesn't know what to write for an item in the project budget, tell her to make something up. Salaries for workers? Whatever you want to get paid! Project supplies? Who knows, how about $500?

When she fills in amounts, tell her these are wrong.

February 23: Uh-oh, the project is due on Tuesday, and it's Thursday. This is crunch time. This will require some real buckling down. Inform your PC volunteer that you hate to say it, but you two will be spending this Saturday in the office.

Except it is just going to be you, because she is going to be out of town coaching an Odyssey of the Mind competition.

Very well, print out a copy of the still-incomplete project in Russian for her to translate during her free time, which presumably is during the bumpy and crowded maxi-taxi ride to the capital, and explain that it needs to be ready to go on Monday.

February 24: It's Friday, and that deadline is rapidly approaching. There isn't a final draft of the project in Russian yet, and even once there is, it still needs to be translated into English! Plus you need to attach an English translation of the organization's statutes to the grant. Between the two documents that's, what, 10 pages of technical-term-laden Russian to translate? Quite a task for someone who has only been in-country 5 months. In that case, set up a meeting for your PC volunteer at a local non-profit from 10 to noon Monday so she can discuss their work against human trafficking.

February 27: Today is Monday, the last real day to work on the project since you'll be dropping it off in the capital tomorrow. Your PC volunteer is at that other organization's office right now, showing up for a mysterious appointment. When she arrives and asks what they will be discussing, she is informed by the organization that they were told she set up the meeting because she has questions about their activities.

One hour into your PC volunteer's appointment, burst in the door and sit down. While she talks with the organization's director, wave at her from across the room, tapping your watch. Exclaim that you two have a lot of work ahead of you today, and that it's time for your PC volunteer to leave the appointment that she didn't set up.

Go discuss planning a banquet at a local restaurant.

Phew, quite a morning. Good thing we have those errands out of the way. Now it's 1:30pm. Time to wrap up that project! Make changes on the computer while your PC volunteer attempts to translate the organization's statutes.

At 3pm, print out the completed project, and ask the PC volunteer to begin translating it, while you and the other volunteer continue working on the budget. When she says that she can't because she's already working on translating the statutes, call her a poor child and laughingly explain that you already have a copy of them in English.

At 4pm, when your PC volunteer is halfway through translating the project, decide to call the project's funders to ask what language it must be submitted in. Learn that it doesn't need to be written in English. Try to ignore sensation of PC volunteer's eyes boring a hole in your head.

At 4:30pm, call your organization's president for her opinion on the matter. Tell your PC volunteer that you'd better submit it in English after all. When she throws down the document and exclaims in exasperation that she will not stay after 6pm today, tell her you really sympathize, and blame everything on the organization that created the grant.

Oh, and while she's at it, could she translate the first page of the statutes for the organization? See, you don't actually have a translation of your organization's statutes. You called another non-profit in town and asked for their already-translated statutes, and plan on copying and pasting them, with a few minor changes. Assure your PC volunteer that they're probably identical.

It's 5pm. Your PC volunteer has finished translating everything by hand and is now ready to type it up. Stand in front of the computer staring at her while she types, because people type faster when they are being watched. Your other volunteer heads home to eat dinner.

Ask your PC volunteer if she's going to be much longer.

Put on your coat and pace.

At 7:30 your PC volunteer has finally completed everything. Say thanks, and that she can have the next two days (during which you will also be out of the office) off, to rest up after her hard work.

February 28: The next day, call your PC volunteer at home during dinner to say there are problems with the project. Luckily you've received an extension until the next evening at 6pm, so you'll see her at the office the next morning.

March 1: Your PC volunteer comes in to the office the next evening, since she'd already had plans made for her "day off". When she gets to the office, show her the budget that you made without translating the English-language column headings to find out what they mean, as well as sections of the project in nonsensical English. When your PC volunteer asks where you got the English text, say you had to use an online translation program, because when she didn't finish the project you were left with no other choice.

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**or anything else, for that matter.